Over the past few years I’ve realized an urgency within myself. A realization I have a limited time to do what I want to do – and there’s so much I want to do. As I’ve been pondering goals for the coming year, I find so many ideas popping into my consciousness always accompanied by so little available time. How does one get anything done when there are so many choices and so little time? I become stymied.
I’ve been reading a book (Traveling with Pomegranates by Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor) that calls to me. It, like so many other books, has been sitting in my “to read” pile(s) for I don’t know how long. When we were leaving the house the day after Christmas, I grabbed it and stuffed it in my bag. When I began reading, I felt the hand of fate was involved as page after page left me feeling as if this book was written for me. While many ideas and passages have resonated with me, two related lines have directly addressed my concerns about how to do all I want to do. One is a line from the poem Sweet Darkness by David Whyte:
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
The other is an observation by Sue Monk Kidd:
Turning fifty involved making a severe peace with the fact
that I cannot give birth to every egg in my ovaries
or every potential in my soul.
The David Whyte line show up early in the book and I’ve been pondering it for a few days; the Sue Monk Kidd line I just read this morning and, suddenly, I realized why I’ve been struggling with goals and resolutions: I have not acknowledged I cannot do it all and I cannot or have not figured out that dream which is dearest to my heart and should be at the forefront of any goals made for the coming year, the next five years, the remainder of my life.
This realization isn’t an answer, but it does open a door leading, I hope, to a path of self-discovery. I have always felt secure in my person and I thought I left the period of self-discovery behind years ago along with adolescent pangs and twenty-something explorations. Yet, here I am at fifty-six feeling as if, once again, I need to explore, plan and dream. I’m excited, but my brain already feels the strain of expansion. I always stretch my body after exercising; now I also need to figure out how to stretch my self-knowledge. I need to figure out to which world I belong.