Sunday, November 21, 2010

When Does an Anomaly Become the Norm?

A year ago I wrote a blog titled Fake It ‘Til You Feel It about trying to put joy back into my life. Well, a year has gone by and I’m still trying. This year has been an emotional roller coaster ride with a lot of downhills. Now, as we enter the holiday season, I’m reminded anew that I’m still not feeling the joy and awe that I would normally say is a part of my persona.

As I’ve sat thinking about this lack of joy this morning I’ve realized something. Lately I’ve been busy – busy, busy, busy! Laundry, housecleaning, shopping, cooking, volunteer duties, bookkeeping – busy, busy, busy! I’d even considered writing a blog about going through life being busy, getting things done and how good that feels. This morning I realized that I’ve kept myself busy, busy, busy because it’s easier to be busy than to open the door of my soul to check on what’s going on inside. When I opened that door I found that I’m no farther along the path to joy than I was a year ago and I’m worried – when does an anomaly become the norm?

Yesterday, while my husband and I were out for a walk, an old man came toward us on the path. As he approached, he tipped his hat and, with a huge smile, said, “Good morning! Have a wonderful day now!” I said to my husband that there was an example of how I used to be and how I want to be again. My husband responded that the old man had probably not always felt that way; he’d probably had down times, too.

I’m not willing to accept this “down time” as my norm. I wish I could put the busy, busy, busy behind me and just go sit on a mountain top for a few days to figure out where I’ve misplaced my joy. That’s not entirely possible, but a few hours of quiet this morning to think and reflect have done wonders. I will continue to consider this current frame of mind an anomaly, not my norm; I will open the door to my soul and clean out the cobwebs; I will go out, smile and tip my hat; I will fake it ‘til I feel it – and I will feel it!

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